her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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