Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
