Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
