so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
