if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
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