He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
