Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I'm just crazy horny about you
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
