remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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