you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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