We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
