I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
