Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
