Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
