I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I need moral support for this bender
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
