I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
A+ Viking dick
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Randomize
