so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
