she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
