My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
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