gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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