Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
