i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
