My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
