he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
