He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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