and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
