I wish they made helmets for livers.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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