Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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