i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
