Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
