Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
