Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
