i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
