So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
We are all done wearing pants today
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
