How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
