I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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