I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
