So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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