I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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