my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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