Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
