Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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