I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
We talked him into tasing himself.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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