do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
