I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
