Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Randomize
