apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
