You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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