so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Im part way to drunk.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
