The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
