so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
